CONFIDENCE

Since we recently moved, we have a few things around the house that we are trying to sell because they don't fit or work for our new home. The other night, we made plans to meet with someone who wanted to buy an item. I had told the person that Landon would be meeting him for the exchange but then he was called to an impromptu church meeting and I was the one available. When the guy showed up, I found myself saying "sorry" for it being me who was meeting him instead of Landon even though there was not a single inconvenience that happened because of the switch, he probably didn't even note it and definitely wasn't hurt by it. What was I sorry for?

This isn't the first of this kind of "sorry" experience for me. I tend to apologize a lot.... to the extent that a lot of times I feel like I'm apologizing for existing. When did the word sorry become a way for me to hide myself, instead of for its true purpose of healing wrongs and making peace?

I think it began when I first started to be shy. Shyness came from insecurities and insecurities led to apologizing for them. I'm less shy now, but mostly just as insecure (at least before this new determination with The Joy Series) and so the sorrys still pile up. I apologize to the customer service representative when I take a second to get to my phone after being on hold for a half hour. I apologize to my baby for putting him down so I can go to the bathroom. I apologize to that terrible corner of the counter I always hit my hip on. And the list goes on and on. I apologize for real things too that I just shouldn't. For not getting what I think is enough done during the day. For getting loud as I get more and more excited about a story I'm telling. For saying "I love you" too often to my family. For crying when I feel the Spirit. It's those sorrys that begin to paint a picture that who I am is something to be sorry for.

It turns out there really isn't anything too unique about my distortion of "sorry." From a very interesting article in The New York Times called "Why Women Apologize and Should Stop," it appears that women more than men tend to struggle with apologizing too often and for things that don't need apologizing. The article's author Sloane Crosley is reacting to a new Pantene commercial that asks women to replace sorry with confidence.

Crosley talks about her own apology habits as well as references several studies and expert opinions as to why women over apologize. She recounts an experience saying, "One by one, various accomplished women on a panel apologize, first for trivial things like being allergic to caffeine, or for talking over one another, but finally for having the gall to exist in the first place. The discrepancy between what those women offer the world and how they conduct themselves in it elevates the sketch from amusing to disturbing."

But saying sorry isn't all bad. In another article titled "I'm Sorry, but Women Really Need to Stop Apologizing" featured in TIME, by author Jessica Bennett, she writes that perhaps our female tendency towards saying "sorry" comes from a special skill set which builds and maintains relationships better because we acknowledge our weaknesses and strive to overcome them. Being aware of things that we may do wrong allows us to build empathy for others when they make mistakes. Bennett continues by saying that using "sorry" can humanize forms of correspondence that put distance between our words and ourselves such as email and texting. And lastly she says that saying "sorry" can make us seem nicer. But the question she concludes with is when does saying "sorry" become a "crutch and a way to downplay female power?"

With this inspiration, here begins my journey to stop saying "sorry," at least when there is no good reason to be sorry. I'm ready to accept the fact that I am human and can't possible do everything right so I will need a "sorry" here and a "sorry" there so that I can make wrongs right. But I am also determined to know what Julia Child knew, which is that a lot of good comes from me existing and to apologize for myself as a person completely discredits that. So here's to never apologizing for existing.

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So tell me, how do you replace sorry with confidence?

CONFIDENCE

Motherhood has been a roller coaster! But then again, isn't everything in life? Everything worthwhile at least. I've learned that this is because the best things life has to offer help us to grow and growing is not easy.

I know this. I wrote these words. But for some reason it is by far the hardest thing for me to integrate into my daily life perspective. Most of the time I am frustrated with myself because I am not already grown. The expectation to be perfect in an instant is overwhelming on a daily basis and sometimes even crippling.

This blog for instance was an avenue for me to explore myself and record my life. It wasn't intended to be followed or adored. It was intended for my own fulfillment in being able to remember my life in a fun and interesting way as well as develop gratitude for it as I did so.  However, over the last few months I was barely able to do anything with my blog because of the suppressing feeling of imperfection - my blog didn't look polished enough - it didn't have a theme - it didn't have many followers - the pictures were rudimentary, etc. - Soon those thoughts morphed into something much more personal - maybe my value is less because my blog is imperfect - I must not be as valuable of a wife or mother because my pictures aren't as beautiful as popular bloggers - maybe this means I'm failing as a mother because I'm not recoding our life beautifully for us to look back on - maybe I'm not as valuable of a woman because those photos show that I'm still learning style and have a very ordinary body - maybe I'm not as valuable of a person because not many people care to follow my life - Woah woah woah... Let's just stop right there.

This terrible perspective kept me captive and I actually got rather downhearted for a long while. Nothing I did seemed good enough and therefore my enjoyment of my life decreased. Luckily I married a saint.  My husband stepped in  to remind me of what I wasn't seeing (the whole picture/the real picture) and

I determined to make a new start.

First, I took a step back from social media. I stopped following people I didn't know who's feeds showed an unrealistic "perfect" life. And I started remembering why I like things like blogging and Instagram. It's really just about me loving my own life. It doesn't gain any merit by other people loving it. If I take a day trip to the city and then blog about it, my time in the city wasnt any more fun because 600 people liked my photos of it. What did build merit was my process of recording and cherishing my life. Then to add to that joy, if my musings happened to help people in their lives, that was more joy. Sometimes it was travel tips from our trip to Europe that helped someone plan a trip. Sometimes it was labor tips for delivery that helped a nervous first time mom. The capacity to share knowledge gained in my growing experience was incredibly valuable to me.

Second, I traded lies for truth. In the terrible perspective it didn't matter how hard I was working to be good at motherhood, interior design, photography, nursing etc. because a very prominent person in my life taught me once that I could do everything, even perfectly, and they still might not love me. From that lesson I developed a fear of imperfection because if perfection meant my value could be nothing, then imperfection would most definitely guarantee it. Well, as many things this person taught me, it is not in the least bit true. Actually the Gospel teaches us that our value is eternal, unconditional and unchanging. And the measure of our perfection actually isn't in perfection at all, it is in our striving for perfection. That truth needed to be the only perspective I take.

So I'm back to blogging and with it, launching a part of this blog devoted to finding the joy in the growing process. That's the beautiful journey life is, right? I call this blog section the joy series. It will be about the real picture of life and the celebration of its beautiful imperfection. It will be about sharing lessons that helped me to grow so that others might benefit. But most of all it will be about me trying my hand at a fun project as a way to live my life fully. With time I hope projects like this will help me to embrace and embody the quote below.