Motherhood has been a roller coaster! But then again, isn't everything in life? Everything worthwhile at least. I've learned that this is because the best things life has to offer help us to grow and growing is not easy.
I know this. I wrote these words. But for some reason it is by far the hardest thing for me to integrate into my daily life perspective. Most of the time I am frustrated with myself because I am not already grown. The expectation to be perfect in an instant is overwhelming on a daily basis and sometimes even crippling.
This blog for instance was an avenue for me to explore myself and record my life. It wasn't intended to be followed or adored. It was intended for my own fulfillment in being able to remember my life in a fun and interesting way as well as develop gratitude for it as I did so. However, over the last few months I was barely able to do anything with my blog because of the suppressing feeling of imperfection - my blog didn't look polished enough - it didn't have a theme - it didn't have many followers - the pictures were rudimentary, etc. - Soon those thoughts morphed into something much more personal - maybe my value is less because my blog is imperfect - I must not be as valuable of a wife or mother because my pictures aren't as beautiful as popular bloggers - maybe this means I'm failing as a mother because I'm not recoding our life beautifully for us to look back on - maybe I'm not as valuable of a woman because those photos show that I'm still learning style and have a very ordinary body - maybe I'm not as valuable of a person because not many people care to follow my life - Woah woah woah... Let's just stop right there.
I determined to make a new start.
First, I took a step back from social media. I stopped following people I didn't know who's feeds showed an unrealistic "perfect" life. And I started remembering why I like things like blogging and Instagram. It's really just about me loving my own life. It doesn't gain any merit by other people loving it. If I take a day trip to the city and then blog about it, my time in the city wasnt any more fun because 600 people liked my photos of it. What did build merit was my process of recording and cherishing my life. Then to add to that joy, if my musings happened to help people in their lives, that was more joy. Sometimes it was travel tips from our trip to Europe that helped someone plan a trip. Sometimes it was labor tips for delivery that helped a nervous first time mom. The capacity to share knowledge gained in my growing experience was incredibly valuable to me.
Second, I traded lies for truth. In the terrible perspective it didn't matter how hard I was working to be good at motherhood, interior design, photography, nursing etc. because a very prominent person in my life taught me once that I could do everything, even perfectly, and they still might not love me. From that lesson I developed a fear of imperfection because if perfection meant my value could be nothing, then imperfection would most definitely guarantee it. Well, as many things this person taught me, it is not in the least bit true. Actually the Gospel teaches us that our value is eternal, unconditional and unchanging. And the measure of our perfection actually isn't in perfection at all, it is in our striving for perfection. That truth needed to be the only perspective I take.
So I'm back to blogging and with it, launching a part of this blog devoted to finding the joy in the growing process. That's the beautiful journey life is, right? I call this blog section the joy series. It will be about the real picture of life and the celebration of its beautiful imperfection. It will be about sharing lessons that helped me to grow so that others might benefit. But most of all it will be about me trying my hand at a fun project as a way to live my life fully. With time I hope projects like this will help me to embrace and embody the quote below.
2 comments :
This is wonderful Nina! Thanks for sharing. I hope all is well!
I love this!
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